


1 - "not like this"

by cyn_00



Series: Moreid one shots [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Canon Related, Canonical Character Death, Comfort, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Non-Canon Relationship, One Shot, One Shot Collection, POV Alternating, POV Derek, POV Spencer Reid, Secret Relationship, Short One Shot, Worried Derek Morgan, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:54:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24180898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyn_00/pseuds/cyn_00
Summary: Brief angsty one shot based onseason 5, episode 10("The slave of duty")
Relationships: Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Series: Moreid one shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1746199
Comments: 4
Kudos: 166





	1 - "not like this"

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first thing I ever wrote so it kinda sucks. As well as, I'd say, my first 3/4 shots <3 sorry people I've improved tremendously in these months so the difference between these first works and my latests is quite baffling. **Edit:** I almost re-wrote it so it doesn't utterly suck

_At the very beginning of the episode, at Haley's funeral._

_[Link to the same fic on Tumblr](https://cyn-00.tumblr.com/post/190744049251/moreid-one-shot-1) _

* * *

During Hotch's speech Morgan could clearly see the expression of sadness and, at the same time, anxiety, through Spencer's eyes. After all, they were at a funeral, and not anyone's: Hotch's truest love's funeral. That's why he didn't really put too much concern into Spencer's look. Everyone was feeling like that, including himself.

There was a point though, when Reid couldn't take it anymore. He tried to get farther as quietly as possible, considering the space he inevitably took while trying to split his way through the people with that damned cane of his.

He felt like he couldn't breathe - which was absolutely nonsense, he realized, since they were outdoors. His brain was racing with absurd scenarios about the same situation Hotch found himself into, but with him and Derek as protagonists.

"Kid," Derek's deep but almost whisper-like voice came from behind.

Reid did not turn around neither reply - seemingly, he was flat-out ignoring him. But anyone who knew him could tell without a doubt that such thing was highly unlikely: Morgan was one of the only people he always listened to, whatever the topic he was talking about. The _actual_ reason why Reid didn't turn around was, as a matter of fact, that all his brain effort was funneled into relentlessly picturing those scenarios: even if he'd wanted to, he couldn't have _physically_ _heard_ anything else.

Derek carefully stepped closer and softly put a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder, afraid to scare him. Spencer slightly winced at the contact - even being very light, considering the multiple layers of clothing separating his skin from Morgan's palm - and finally turned around, like he had just been woken up from a bad dream. But he didn't say anything.

"Something wrong?" Derek simply asked, expecting him to say that he was sorry for Hotch and needed to get himself out of that context. Naive and too optimistic of him.

Spencer stayed silent for a few seconds more and then finally spoke up, although still unable to look back into Derek's eyes.

"I'm extremely sorry for Hotch... and I don't want this to sound disrespectful or- or selfish... but I just- I can't... I can't stop thinking that I hope this doesn't happen _again_." he blurted out, expecting Derek to understand what he meant without actually saying it, too afraid of sounding stupid if he'd said it out loud.

Derek looked rightfully confused. He inched as close as the barriers two "teammates" were supposed to respect allowed him to, to make the conversation more private - though it's not like anyone was in a ray of less than 30 ft from them. He shifted his hand from Spencer's coated shoulder to his shivering, bare neck.

"Kid...this is our job, things like these happen everyday. But we can do a little bit to help the people who suffer these losses, including Hotch. And that's why in this moment more than ever we shou-"

"D-Derek, that's- that's _not_ what I mean." Spencer cut him off abruptly, trying not to seem rude, as his eyes became glossy with tears.

From the gaze he was giving him and the sudden way his body tensed up, Derek began to capture what he was thinking. He didn't say anything and instead, chose to simply snake his hand toward the back of Spencer's head, caressing his scalp tenderly through his long hair.

That gesture was usually a soothing one for Spencer, one that was part of Derek's and his routine as a couple - or, frankly, even _before_ they were a couple. But this time, he grabbed his wrist and slowly pulled it away.

He felt anxious to the point of nausea at the idea of having to say exactly what he was thinking, losing any hope that Derek could get it by just that vague hint he had given him earlier.

"I mean, I'm really scared..." he paused to gulp nervously and drop his gaze toward his hand, fiddling with the handle of his wooden cane. "...that this could happen to- to _us_."

"...you and me? You mean?" Derek hesitated a bit before asking for clarification, arching his brows in _that_ way like he always did while he pointed at the two of them - as if saying _"you and me"_ hadn't been explanatory enough.

Spencer nodded as a tear shed down his cheek, leaving a lukewarm streak on his skin prickled by the piercing cold breeze. He found the courage to meet the other man's eyes.

"It's gonna happen sooner or later, isn't it." it wasn't a question.

Derek opened his mouth to answer, but didn't really have the time.

"It's gonna happen that someday one of us will find himself in life danger _because_ of the other. And the other won't have the means to do anything about it." Spencer explained further, while his voice was becoming nothing short of a shaky whisper.

"I don't wanna ever lose you but most of all not like- like _this_. Not like Hotch lost the love of his life."

The words stabbed Morgan right in his heart in a bittersweet way: he had painfully acknowledged that Reid was _really_ scared about such a thing; but on the other side of the coin he had also picked up on the unspoken hint that _he was the love of his life,_ like Haley had been for Hotch. And the concept left him for the first time self-questioning if the sentiment was mutual, but mostly it left him feeling...blessed.

Derek was usually the one trying to reason in this types of conversations - which often happened, with his boyfriend as well as with other members of the team - but he knew that Spencer knew there was no answer to a doubt like that, and if there ever was one that could come close to being somewhat appropriate, it would be the same old: "It's the job". He soon realized that neither of them needed _reason_ in that specific moment.

Along with that realization came all the tears he hadn't shed during Hotch's speech - which, by the way, had just finished, Morgan gathered by the way the team's attention was now drawn to what was happening between the two of them. They weren't very far. Surely far enough that they could see through the trees but not hear at all, though.

Derek decided not to answer. He decided, instead, to pull him closer by his shoulder and hug him tightly, once again slipping a hand through his hair and an arm enveloping his waist.

Spencer was caught a little off guard: he wasn't ready for that kind of reaction, considering, amongst other things, that they should've gone back to the speech long before.

He let himself sink into the hug, wrapping an arm around Derek's broad shoulders and burying his sobbing face into his neck. It didn't fail to annoy him yet once more the fact that every time they hugged, he could only use one arm because if the other lifted the cane from the ground his injured leg would falter underneath his weight - _yes_ , he had tried.

To be quite honest, Spencer wanted to _kiss_ him. For some stupid reason though, he felt like they hadn't been dating long enough to be "allowed" to kiss when they were around the team - as if everyone didn't know already...

Derek pulled away just a little, caressing Spencer's cheek with his knuckles. He gave him a look that spoke all the words he couldn't quite phrase.

He hesitated a few seconds more before leaning in to gently kissed his temple, and then his cheekbone, and then the soft space separating his ever-so-slightly frowning eyebrows; wishing his pecks alone could warm up not only his shivering skin but his heart as well.

He finally moved to his lips, and kissed those too, relishing in how Spencer didn't simply not flinch back in embarrassment, more so his jaw unhooked, and his neck relaxed to slightly tilt on one side, and his shoulders slumped, and his fingers slid smoothly against his nape.

Derek hesitated a bit to let his tongue meet the other's, but when he did, the shuddering sigh that escaped Spencer's lungs worked as a final clue that he'd effectively managed to sweep away his paranoia, even having said nothing at all.

Their tongues entwined slowly and intensely, cradling into each other's mouth in a good-hearted attempt to mutually steal parts of them and make them their own. Spencer was winning that contest. Maybe he _was_ , too, the love of Derek's life.

Even having completely discarded every concern about whether the others were watching or not, Spencer had to part their lips in search for air, only loosening the hug enough so that he could look into Derek's irises without going cross-eyed.

"I really hope too that doesn't happen to us, kid." Derek whispered breaking the silence, interrupting the soothing sound of the breeze enveloping them and the rustling of leaves.

He gained from Spencer a slight and melancholic grin. But it was more than enough.

Reid could see the rest of the team far behind Morgan's shoulder. Strangely enough, only one of them was still peeking in their direction.

Hotch, isolated from the others, holding up Jack in his arms. Not only he wasn't offended, he also did not look so upset anymore.

He smiled.

Spencer smiled back.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: @cyn-00


End file.
